A Butchered Masterpiece: The CDF Movie
by roxypony
Summary: ;My commentary on the movie our fandom loves to hate. ;NOT reccomended for movie lovers, you've been warned; also contains lots of language.
1. A Shansters Worst Nightmare Begins

I was going to put this in the Deleted Files, but it's not really a TVF spin-off so I gave it its own document...

This was just a totally random idea I had today cuz I was totally bored and still snowed in... I made a few comments on the movie last winter which I put on my facebook page and a lot of people liked it, so I decided to do a more detailed remix and post it up!

I typed ALL of this on my blackberry while watching the movie and I never thought it would get so long! Sometimes my rambling scares even myself.

Also, if you LIKE the DSS movie, you shouldn't read this unless you have a sense of humour, okay? You been warned!

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And we open with a strangely bald Mr Tiny (oh come on now, he's supposed to have a white mustachio! Being bald is Arrow's thing!) In a graveyard, chomping popcorn. For some reason I find this adorable. Not to mention the cute little music in the background.

Aaaand there's Steevo holding a flower! I knew he was a big ol Pansypuss. I hate to say it, but in this movie he's a lil bit sexy.

Then Darren has some commentary on life and death and all that-HEY HEY HEY. Wait a minute, Darren! You have NOT been friends with Steevo since grade 3 when he punched some kid, you've been friends since kindergarden cuz you were drawn to his wildness! At least that's what your mom said. Not even 2 minutes in and you can't keep the story straight!

Oh, and you're not supposed to buried with your goddamn game boy. Is this supposed to be fucking TVF? NO. THIS IS THE REAL DEAL. SERIOUS BUSINESS. Or at least it should have been!

Now we get to some creepy credits which take way too long-HEY! Willem Dafoe is in this! I forgot. At least I have something to look forwards to now...

More credits with freaky puppets...

More credits with f- okay here we go!

Here we are at school...funny how we never see the inside of the bathroom where the story actually starts. A shot Dar's perfect little family, they got that much right at least.

Now we see a freaky teacher with hand gestures, don't recall him. Says he: "Whatcha got for me!" -a role in a piece-of-shit movie, that's what.

Dar and Steevo skip to go stand on the roof and play with spiders and rocks, Dar shows off his lil Mr Perfectness whilst Steevo vandalizes everything in sight. As his mom tells us 2 seconds later, "BAAAD infuence!" As though he's just gotten pregnant or something.

Then it appears Dar has dumped Steevo, and they are now "secret best friends". Ouch. Then they bond for a little bit-

WOAH HOT DAMN, here comes Mr Tiny in the Purple-People-Eating-Pedophile-Pimpmobile! Or the PPEPP as I refer to it. And if that wasn't obv enough, he has personalized plates! DES-TINY. Hmm, I wonder if I can find those on ebay, they'd be cute on my truck. Anyway. He drives by all slow-like in the PPEPP which I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually need since he's supposed to, I dunno teleport or something? Why waste all that money on gas and insurance? He tosses some paper out the window. Come and get it, kiddies! Why am I thinking of Herbert from Family Guy?

Anyway, Dar and Steevo now have the CDF flyer which I coulda sworn came from that other kid's brother? Hmm.

Teacher gives a speech, which is accurate and I have no complaints...the boys bike to the show, also fine...

And then we get our first glimpse of who is later revealed to be none other than Harkat. You know, the one who doesn't make noise or reveal his name till book-frigging-four? Anyway, apparently he's really into biting people.

There's Mr Tall, looking like the creepo who runs the convenience store I frequently visit who somehow knows who I am.

Says ol' Hibernius: "Are you 21? Say yes!" Wow, can we get the liquor store to hire this guy?

And then the freaks come out to play.

I could have the facts wrong here, but did book 1 not feature a deadly wolfman rather than a buttscratching chimp-thing? Meh, I could be wrong.

Steve:"Dude he totally just scratched his balls."-Thank you for pointing that out, Steevo! Wait, were you talking about Darren or the Chimpman?

Also, the lady who so cleverly gets her arm bitten off was NOT supposed to be Corma Limbs. What, did Mr Tall get too lazy to sew her hand back on so he threw poor Corma under the bus? What is this world coming to?

Oh, one more little thing. CORMA FUCKING LIMBS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN. I'm not stupid, okay. I know movies can't stay 110% true to the books. But does that give them an excuse to totally transvestitize a perfectly fine character? Apparently!

Alexander ribs is fine... A bit moronic, but otherwise acceptable. Gertha Teeth...I honestly forget what she's supposed to look like in the books so I can't make a call on this one, but I can clearly see she looks like a Mary-Tool.

Rhamus Twobellies. Oh my goodness, it looks like the man has 4 boobs. The normal ones, and then 2 DDDDDD-cups growing his stomach.

Out comes Evra and I can honestly say without guilt, movie-fangirls, WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING? He's supposed to have scales, not a green skin condition that looks like cheap paint. But his character in the movie is actually funnier than the book, I'll give him that. Although I don't recall him starting a band.

Wait...did he just add something to his name after the Von? I DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM AND I KNOW THAT'S NOT OK! Where the hell was DS when these people were butchering his characters?

Madam Truska comes out in all her hoe-like glory. Close enough to the books I guess. She gropes Dar's face for a bit, then pumps out her beard, does a weird little flashforward thing and apparently realizes Dar is special somehow.

And then the part that wet the pants of a thousand Shansters: she runs backstage to Larten who looks extraordinarily unlike the Mr Crepsley we know and love. The man looks like a fricking Teddy Bear. I like John C Reilly but he's so wrong for the role! When I watch Step Brothers, all I see is Crepsley :/

But that's not the worst part, apparently him and Truska have a bit of a fling going on, and she wants to skip town. Presumably to hit Vegas or something, but her reasoning is that she has "a foreboding." He then calls her beautiful and I can just hear the Crepsley fanatics worldwide whipping out their nuclear bombs in preparation to blow this bitch off the face of the earth.

Larten does his typical act in a really un-typical and fully tacky suit. And I'm trying to figure out whether or not he used a contraction. I didn't think he talked so damn fast. And he's supposed to have a bit of orange hair on an otherwise bald head, not a fucking FRO. And don't get me started on the tapdancing.

And ooh ooh ooh! There's Willem Dafoe! Who looks absolutely nothing like Gavner's supposed to look but I forgive him because I adored him in SpiderMan. Am I biased? Yup. He's kinda sexy in an old-man way. -NOT IN THIS MOVIE THOUGH!-

The Vur Horston thing comes up, accurate enough..

Uh oh, Madam Octa (what cute little eyes!) really lovin on Darren's thigh-

And woooah it's the HEALTH INSPECTORS! Where did THEY come from? Not the book, that's for sure.

Oh no, Dar's Spidey Senses are tingling, he wants Octa, and he's goin in for the swipe... Wow, fancy coffin ya got there Crepsley. Automatic lid? Ow ow. He grabs the spider which I'm pretty sure does not happen on the same night as the show. And then we have Larten and Gavner PMSing about stuff.

"To us and Charna's Guts." They toast. Clearly they haven't read the new TVF's, that phrase has been getting a bit more creative.

And omg Willem/Gavner, please please take off whatever the hell is on your face and look like Norman Osborn from SpiderMan again... I thought Gavner was supposed to be "burly" and NOT in book 1? According to this movie I'm very wrong!

And they continue PMSing cuz apparently Vincent is dead! Whoever the hell he is, at least he didn't suffer the dishonour of appearing in this movie. And then Gavey completely throws a bitchfit cuz the Vampanze are "after us"... Where's Arrow when ya need him? Apparently, the Vampanizzles are gonna pick everyone off, first Vincent then Larten then Gavner because he's the toughest. As icky as he looks right now, I love his acting! If I had to murder every cast member but one, I'd spare him. Unless he calls the Vampire Council a "bunch of wimps" one more time. Not cool at all, you're dissing my Princes there buddy! He goes on about how him and LCreps are the last good generals or somthin, not that LCreps is a general in the DSS books. Or at least he's not SUPPOSED to be at that point.

Oh and apparently "Tiny's back from the other side." I wasn't aware he'd left. Then we see a quick shot of him staring at a picture book, I'm making the assumption that it's child porongraphy, but that's just my hunch. Oh my bad, it's the Book of Souls. That sounds familiar A) maybe it was in the books, but I don't think so. B) because its incredibly amazingly cliche. I pick B.

The Vampaneze are also up to something apparently, and Gavey wants to go rip himself some vengeance, but Larten decides to be a Pansypuss and chill in his life as a- what? Vodvillian? I'm stumped.

And here comes Steve bursting in, the conversation is basically booklike except for Gavner trying to strangle the kid...with his pinky finger sticking out. Stay classy, Willem!

Steve is sexy...mmm...baad aasssss. Very pissed badass. Threatening LCreps right on schedule. Big diss from Gavner, a final "fuck off" glare from Larty, and Steevo's out.

Gavner takes a sip of something strong (care to share, buddy? This movie's making me a bit stressed) and then informs Larty he's off to -VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN? OMG TAKE ME WITH YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE-crap he left.

"Poor old Vincent" says Larten. Poor Vincent? Poor me, addicted to recapping this retarded movie.

Then he realizes his pet spidey is gone, blah blah, Darren who was in the closet (heh heh) the whole time makes a break for it, pops outside, and he first thing he sees is none other than our Purple-People-Eating-Pedophile-Pimpmobile! Yahoo!

And this is where my recap ends for now. I have some mind-cleansing to do. I promise I'll finish up later! I can't believe we're only 26 minutes into this movie...

PS, if you are a movie fan who was completely insulted by this and you're cooking up a bitchy little counter-attack for me, go hump a stump, cuz I warned you! This is just my personal opinion which happens to be loud and proud.

I wonder if I can make bitchy remarks at annoying things for a living...

* * *

Part 2 to come!

*Roxxy,


	2. The Return of the PPEPP

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE AMAZING REVIEWS :) 14 in one day, I think that's a new record. If only all my other fics got that much, ehh? ;) i know you're out there.

a few of you mentioned that you liked the movie by itself, but when compared to the books you saw it for the true POS it really is. I agree, it had its moments that made me chuckle, but I am first and foremost a hardcore book fan of 5 years and counting, and I stand by my opinion that -well, you all know what my opinion is.

Enjoy :)

* * *

And here we are again! Parked in my usual spot on the couch with a bag of Lindor chocolates sent by my Grandma from a far away land... :)

I'm guessing Mr Tiny has some too, cuz why else would Darren have jumped into the PPEPP so enthusiastically?

Oh right, Crepsley's chasing him. Onwards!

The PPEPP cruises away and Larten steps out into the street looking like someone just peed in his pancakes.

Back inside the PPEPP, Mr T has a little humming device in his hand that I can't tell what the hell it is... Darren thanks him for the ride ... Mr T is so 'Delighted' he uses the word twice, looking extremely hungry. And then-

BAM. MURLOUGH. Only we don't know it's him yet, we just have to sit back and not question why there's a heavy-breathing serial-killer thing chillin in the PPEPP.

Anyway, our 3 PPEPP-riders chat about souls and blood -Charna's tits, is Murlough filing his teeth?- and cleverly enough Darren decides he wants out. But that's a no-go, and the PPEPP cruises onwards.

Murlough makes some gorey and pedophiley comments (sounding absolutely NOTHING like his character's trademark sketchy voice) then Tiny then removes one of Darrens hairs (from his head, thankgod. Remember this movie is only like PGsomething.)

Anyway, Darren finally gets dumped at his house, and next thing we see is him in bed briefly, and suddenly at his locker where Madam Octa is apparently staying. Steve them comes lurking, andd all hell breaks lose...why it's at school which makes no sense to the plot and not Dar's room, I guess we'll never know. So Octa rampages, raises a little hell, jumps on a few heads (not biting anyone else, funnily enough) gets stuck in some gum, and ends her adventure by crawling up Steevo's shirt -never before have I been jealous of a spider- and bites his cute little face. Ooh.

Next thing we see Dar taking a stroll back to the CDF location even though the Health inspectors were supposed to clear the place out. However they missed a spot -namely Larten Crepsley- who appears in all his afro'ed glory, and we then see the antidote-bargain conversation which is true enough to the book I suppose. Except for Larten's use of the phrase, 'You are in deep shit, my friend.' Which makes me giggle and then smack myself because that is in NO WAY the real LCreps.

Anywho, he goes on about how the people Tiny takes interest in usually end up dead or worse (i.e. molested), and then they go ahead and make the little bargain that sets everything in motion- this stays fairly booklike so I don't complain other than Larten sounds like he's kidding for some reason.

With all this typing I've forgotten to listen for illegal contractions in LCreps' dialogue... I think he might have just said "time's" rather than "time is" but I really can't tell at the speed he's yammering.

OH. I JUST CAUGHT HIM. "Wanna become a Vampire? It's a lonely life."

Iunno buddy, wanna get back in character? It's a sad sad movie.

So Darren whines for a bit, LCreps uses a bunch more contractions that almost make me rip my laptop in half, then they exchange blood in a scene that brutally lacks emotion or intensity.

Darren realizes he has 'super spit' which I find hilarious because did he not spend like HOW MANY books getting his cuts and bumps healed by the big boys because HALF VAMPIRES DON'T HAVE SUPER FUCKING SPIT? Seriously, where was DS when this was made?

Darren wants to know if he can turn into a bat , to which Larty replies "No. That's bullshit." Excuuuse me boy but I think you mean "That IS bullshit."

So they flit off to the hospital and crawl up the wall to Steevo and I can't for the life of me remember how it happened in the books but I have a tingly feeling this isn't accurate. Then Dar calls hospital security, Larty demands to know what a Code Blue is, and I tell him it means "God-awful movie alert!" But I don't think he heard me.

Then Steevo's back to school, everything's sweet, Darren's shredding chalkboards, and chomping raw steaks. Then his sister asks him his opinion on some Barbie outfits, and he's all like 'OMG well this one looks totally like-" nah I'm kidden... but he does get a bit freaky and almost eats her alive.

And then here's Larty in his room commenting on his reading material. For some reason I was under the impression that he was illiterate. Can't imagine what came over me!

Darren has a little cry, and Larten can't seem to handle it and informs Darren (with a few contractions) that it's time to leave "like forever". Darren snuggles with his family adorably, and next thing we know he's bitten the dust.

Oh and Larten feeds him a totally false tale of how and why he was blooded. I know Birth Of A Killer hadn't been released at this point but I'm severely bothered nonetheless.

We see Steevo looking sad, giving Dar his gameboy -aww, that's how it got there- and then having a hissyfit accurate enough to the books. Steevo exits the room in a huff and walks right past Mr Tiny who I coulda sworn was a butler-penguin-statue.

Later that night, Crepsley comes out all cool and grave-digger-y and springs Darren outta the grave. (in the background there's some very bothersome music which makes it hard to take the plot seriously) and Darren emerges, Crepsley beats him with a shovel and drops him back in the ground because OH HOT DAMN, none other than Murlough breaks back into book 1. He wrestled and bites Larten (buddy better look into a rabies shot) and they flit-fight all around the graveyard before landing on Darren in the coffin. Murlough then stuffs Darren into a bag to satisfy whatever fetish he has (between him and Tiny, this movie's a frigging minefield of Pedo-Pimps!) but LCreps saves Dar's ass and they make a break for it, right onto the middle of a highway where they cleverly wait and then flee and watch as Murlough gets his face-raped by a semi truck, but lives to eat the driver.

LCreps and Dar pause to crash a little girls' baseball game, and then they flit off to our favourite little hell hole of horrors (or at least that's how this movie makes it look) the Cirque Du Freak.

And that's where I leave you for now. You guys musta been praying really hard cuz I got another beautiful Snowday today :)

I don't think part 2 was as funny as 1, but eeh.

Part 3 should be up within the week!

Stay classy ;)

*Roxxy,


	3. Product of Beastiality

Ohhh baby, its that time of week again! Christmas is over and I decided its high time to continue this little gem of a review! Where did we leave off...ah, Dar and LCreps entering into the world of Freaks. And I mean freaks in the rudest way possible because as you might have noticed, this movie fully destroys them. Good thing I'm armed with comfort food...Rolos :)

Anyway! Our boys wander into the CDF and LCreps ditches D for a quick chat with Mr Tall regarding Mr Tiny and his Darren fetish.

And then (this is the part where I try not to take a pickaxe to the screen and then burn the remains before shooting myself in the head) we meet Rebecca the Monkey-Girl, or as I deem her, Product Of Beastiality. POB.  
CHARNA'S GREAT SAGGY BALLSACK, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? This kid is so revolting she makes me like the concept of Debbie. And THAT is saying something.

She and Dar partake in some eavesdropping on Tall and Creps, and are then hauled inside for (hopefully) some ass-kickin. But unfortunately they don't get obliterated off the face of the earth and they do end up surviving the rest of this deadly movie.  
Anyway, POB immediately throws Darren under the bus and tells Mr T that eavesdropping was all his idea. True enough, but BITCH MOVE! She and Dar have a 3-sentence argument reminiscent of the good 'ol days of being a 6year old on the playground, and then they scamper off to the tent of good 'ol Von-something. Ever get the feeling it was supposed to be just plain 'Von'?

And then we meet -this is where I cry- Harkat. I can't even begin to count how many Little People rules are being violated right now. Like, no one is supposed to know their names, they are supposed to be completely silent, including sketchy little gremlin mutters like we hear here, they're supposed to have COVERED faces, with MASKS, because normal air will fucking KILL THEM, and they don't just run around fucking biting people all over the place! These are the rules written by DARREN SHAN HIMSELF, have you no fucking RESPECT?

So the carnage continues, Darren refuses to give Harkat (ugh, this is not our Harkat, I don't feel right calling him that :/) his hand, so then Not-Harkat begins to cry. Darren relents, and NH gives him a nice little friendly chomp. He then gets a slap from Lady Hoeska -sorry, Truska, as she informs him that no one will want to be around him if he doesn't stop biting. Lady, A) this is not Harkat. B) who the fuck would want to be around him, or ANYONE in this movie?

Then Slutska -I mean TRUSKA, my bad- gets all freaky-eyed over Darren, simply says 'death, redemption, despair, triumph, disaster." Clearly she's describing this movie...minus the redemtion and triumph part.  
Not-Harkat and Darren then trek over to the tent area, where we see Evra playing with his snake.  
YOU SICK PERVERTS, I mean his actual snake! 'Pippa' is her name. And that sounds even more perverted now, so forget I said anything...

He asks Darren 'how he's F'ed up' meaning 'freaked up'. Clever clever... Evra calls him normal as if its an insult, and they then engage in clever banter which isn't really worth commenting on. We find out Evra is very posessive of his posessions, and then he proceeds to shed on Darren's hand.

Oh now here we go... LCreps and Prostitutska (okay, that was on purpose) are having a little shit fit. She's through the roof because he left without telling her, she was worried sick, lalalala typical overcontrolling bitch. She informs him he needs a cellphone. He informs her Vampires don't need cellphones. Hmph, tell that to the phsyco who wrote TVF...oh wait, that be me.

They bitch and whine and kiss for a few more minutes, then she pops out her beard mid-makeout which is really fuckin disturbing.

Cut back to the human world where Steevo (missed that sexy mofo!) punches out a kid who calls Darren a dick. He also refused to finish a quiz and throws it at his teacher. Ohbaby. Then we see him on the roof of the school looking all suicidal, and then MISTA TINY shows up (PPEPP not in sight) and hauls Steevo's ass over to the dark side by summarizing Darren's new life. He's racist against freaks apparently.

And its back to C-D-F'ed up, where it's breakfast time and Rhamus Twobellies is cookin' up paan caaakes! Weeoo! Evra and POB show up and drag Darren off. And Evra utters the one enjoyable line, "Looks like you're Crepsley's bitch now". which is like a shining beacon of hope in this pit of darkess...dampered only by the fact it isn't book-accurate, but I can only bitch so much so I let it slide.

We see the Chimp-Man eating crud and looking very un-wolflike, but that's okay cuz we've long since established that this entire thing is an abomination.

Now to a lovely musical montage of Darren's duties, some flirtations with POB, Not-Harkat removing his own heart, yikes, and Darren half-flitting -forgive me for sounding like a broken record but that is NOT FUCKING ACCURATE- and of course, jamming with Evra. Not to mention the quadruple-freak-date going on by the campfire, reminiscent of a personal experience that ended with me threatening to throw burning logs at people. Darren gives Gertha some words of encouragement which she takes as a come-on, so he gets a kiss and a smack from her. Oh this dumb bitch!

Darren and Evra share some bromance where E tells about how Mr Tall picked him out of a dumpster at age 2 days, TOTALLY forgetting about the fact that he was previously owned and abused. Lying little snake! Then he sings about dumpster babies which reminds me of Family Guy. 'Imma prom night dumpster baaby...' Ooh yaaa.

Then Darren phones Steve because he's just that smart, then LC confiscates his phone and smashes the shit out of it. Good thing he can just hit up eBay for a replacement. Unless this movie is too lame for that.

WOOHOO its the return of the return of the PPEPP! (Thing seems to come with its own background music too. Handy! I think I'm gonna install that in my truck..)

Not-Harkat and his crowd of Not-Little People swarm up to see it as if its Santa Claus or Justin Bieber. Wait, if it was Biebs they'd have their pitchforks and torches out.

Anyway, cut to a shot of POB doing an owl impression that I would have been happier without seeing, and everyone goes scurrying off into their tents. The PPEPP rolls in and parks, and Tiny gets out to greet his groupies who honestly seem to think he's just about the neatest thing since Silly-Bands.

He spreads his cheeeezy white arms out for all to see, and announced that he has "REEETURRRNNNNED!"

Oh gosh, this is short :/ but it's all I can take for now!

TVF and SNS updates soon to come!

*Roxxy,


	4. When a monkey and a troll

Holy shit guys... What's it been? I'm not even gonna count the months. Anyway, its a nice July day, I spent the morning in the pool and now the sun is all bright and ouchy so I'm hermited away in my shady living room preparing to conclude(?) my recap of Cirque Du Freak: A Butchered Masterpiece.

Before we get started, Imma review a few of my commonly used abbreviations in case you've forgotten:  
**PPEPP** - Purple People Eating Pedophile Pimpmobile. The purple...thing...which Mr Tiny drives around in. Actually he doesn't drive, we have yet to see his chauffer. Maybe its the director, he's probably out of a job after making this movie. Anyway.  
**POB** - Product Of Beastiality. Rebecca the Mary-Sue monkey girl. She's so awfully despicable I'd rather have Dumbass Debbie. AT LEAST SHE WAS IN THE BOOKS DAMMIT!  
**D** or **Dar** - Darren. Quite obvious.  
**LCreps**: guess who.  
**Hoeska/Slustka/Prostitutska/etc**- Truska, because apparently LCreps needs a skanky bearded girlfriend. Don't tell Arra.  
**Steevo-** Steve - the only attractive male in the entire thing.  
**Not-Harkat/Not-Little People**- What should have beenHarkat/Little People. The rules of Little People have been so utterly violated that they are simply not Little People at all.

I think that's all. I wouldn't know, cuz my computer just crashed and I lost my spot. Of course I'm watching it online! I'm not gonna spend a cent on this abomination, and its not worth the gas money to hit up the local library. The only way to view this movie properly is in fact, illegally. Since it shouldn't have been made in the first place, it makes sense.

-LUNCHBREAK-  
Mmm, spicy chicken strips and watching a show that didn't suck - Rodeo: Life on the Circuit. I've decided I want to be a Sports Medicine Professional, specializing in rodeo. AKA feeling up cowboy's muscles all day. Om nom nom..  
Anyway, jerking out of my blissful reverie and back into the real world, which contains this ridiculously fake portrayal of the CDF world.

Once I find where I left off (again) the first thing I hear is "Unacceptable! Unforgivable!" - Mr Tiny. He's talking about the fact that he doesn't have a beard or yellow rubber boots. Actually, he's referring to the blooding of Darren. Then he says something in French and they bitch about Darren's non-blood-drinking. Then Tiny points out that "he MUST!" This guy should be on Criminal Minds. What a genius. Tiny wonders if Dar might be Vampaneze at heart. LCreps says, "you'd like that". HEY HE USED A CONTRACT- oh why bother. Anyway, I'm fairly sure Tiny wants Darren regardless - yum, children. Tiny insists he's neutral. PFFT. He's about as neutral as my truck when I forgot to shift gears before turning it off. Then Lcreps says, "that's why you want him, isn't it?"

A- shove your face back up your ass so we can't hear your incessant contractioning.  
B- Tiny wants Dar to satisfy his little boy fetish.  
Got it? Good. On we go.

Yeah Tiny...I'm sure "cataclysm" is all you're dreaming about... Anyway, the bitching and prophesizing continues. I can feel myself getting fat off the grease in Tiny's voice...*shudder*. Finally, the PPEPP pulls out, chased by a swarm of Beliebers- I mean, Not-Little People. His parting words - "keep an eye on him, my pets."  
Major pet peeve- PEOPLE WHO SAY "MY PETS".

Anyway, we move on to Darren stepping out of his tent to go on a little stroll where he is then intercepted by Evra who had been tinkering with one of those nerd scooters. At least he's not playing with his snake for once. Minds OUT of the gutter, folks. LOLJK I was totally thinking of that too.  
So the two go on a dead animal collection mission, then I almost lose my lunch as Darren stops in to check on POB who's even uglier than last time I watched this movie. She's ironing...she throws the iron at Darren... In my mind.  
He says there to pick up Crepsley's cape (that's MR Crepsley to you!) Then he realizes he's being stalked by some very loud Not-Little People. He closes the door, POB notices his pants are ripped and does not hesitate to order him to "TAKE 'EM OFF!"

And that folks, is where this recap ends. I wish.  
We cut to Darren wearing new pants (absence of Pirate Suit dually noted) and I wonder what happened between those last 2 scenes there...scratch that, I don't ever wanna know.  
Then it gets really cute. And by cute, I mean I wanna put a bullet in my laptop.  
Darren asks her exactly what she's doing with the Cirque, and then we zoom in on her face -omfg her eyebrows are fucking terrifying- and she states the fact that she is...DUN DUN DUHH! A Monkey Girl. And by extension, a Product Of Beastiality.

Seriously bitch, you keep that little secret for how long and then blurt it out like its absolutely nothing at all? No need for a lead-up or anything. "Well Darren, since you asked...I'm a monkey girl.". Hmph. "Well Darren, since you asked...I'm a sadistic cannibal." would have had the same effect on the audience, the way she said it.

LOL little Dar thinks he's misheard, and asks what that means. Well Darren, it means that one day, a troll with bushman eyebrows fell in love with a monkey so they participated in coitus (I watch the Big Bang Theory) and 9 months later, out popped Rebecca. That's what "I'm a monkey girl" means.

Actually, according to POB it just means she has a tail. Well, same difference. Then she asks if he has a problem with that. Uhm, yes dear. We SO have a problem with that. But apparently Darren doesn't. Because he thinks she's joking. THIS is our protagonist? Srsly? Ugh.

Then she changes the subject and comments that D's pants look really deliciously smexy. Actually she said "good" but her expression said deliciously smexy... D stutters like a dipshit, and then MERCIFUL LORD! We exit the tent scene and cut to Darren walking on the wooden sidewalk/road thing (so THAT'S what the majority of this movie's budget went to!) As he wanders aimlessly, LCreps pops out of the shadows and strangles the living shit out of a Not-Little Person. Darren thanks him for such violence and whines that they've been following him all day.

At this point I look up at the time...this movie is 1 hour and 44 minutes long. We're currently on 1 hour 8 minutes. I'm not much for counting, but we have...a lot more bullshit to get through.

Would it be cliche if I begged you to kill me right now? Darren asks Mr C for...girl advice. And no, its not regarding his first period (that's in the deleted scenes). He wants to know if it would be...acceptable...to like a girl who happens to have a tail. Not obvious AT ALL. He might as well just come right out and say "me want in POB's pants!" for all the subtlety he manages. Although her pants may contain quite a bit more than he bargained for... *insert obligatory chimpanzee sound effects*. Their relationship should be documented on the discovery channel, not this shitpile of a movie. LCreps is suprisingly and dissapointingly supportive. That's not the Crepsley we know and love. Must the travesty continue?

Apparently yes, because LCreps goes on to coach Darren in the art of getting his ass handed to him on a silver platter. Hey now Larty, teaching pansies how to fight is Vanez's job! But apparently LCreps isn't a great teacher cuz Dar promptly gets bested by a tree. Hands like daggers? Not quite, buddy. And then he literally wails, "Gawwwd I broke a nail!"

Who the hell let TVF Kurda in here? Oh wait, Darren's just a pussy. My baaad.

Yay, Steevo scene! He's at what appears to be a Vampaneze convention. I know this only because I recognize Murlough, otherwise the lack of purple skin just makes it look like the Emo Corner of last year's math class. I coulda sworn Murlough was a phsyco loner. Well, I've been wrong before. As this movie keeps pointing out. Pffft. Heh, Murly looks like Snape here...he's talking in a Trannsylvanian accent though. I have no idea what he's saying but I keep hearing BLOOD. Then he like, stabs or slashes poor Steevo. The prettyboy goes down, and then they gangbeat him. How very very pointless. Of course, we don't know WHY he's there, or who exactly THEY are. That's irrelevant apparently.

Then we cut to a little room where some dude is wearing PJs. Its that old teacher whose name I don't care about, with the retarded catchphrase I don't remember. Someone knocks at his door - suprise! Its Steevo. Apparently he wants revenge on some poorly graded papers. Or maybe he's just bored, who knows. Anyway its not a good night for Mr Teacher, cuz Murly steps in behind him and locks the door. They tease the poor guy for a while -Murlough would have a very sexy demeanor if he wasn't so fugly and inaccurate- and then Steevo slices into the face of the poor dude. The teacher, that is. Not Murlough. Although Murlough looks like his face got mutilated by something or other.

Oh wow, we've made it all the way up to 1 hour and 12 minutes. LOL this was supposed to be the last chapter xD My brain can't take any more without suffering a severe breakdown, and I really need it for tonight so I'm gonna save myself and leave you here. I'm gonna move on to better things and head off to Preperatory Practice for Paris Tournament, Round 1. Or, PPFPT. Not quite as catchy as PPEPP, but abbreviations are fun nevertheless. Or would that be an acronym? Idfk xD ps- Paris; not the one in France. I probably won't be home till 11 tonight - the grueling begins! But ya know I love it :) I hope to come home to a PPEPP-load of reviiiewws;)

To anyone who reviews anonymously, I recently disabled that for ..reasons xD, I'm sorry! I wish I didn't have to, but its the only way to draw a cowardly little bitch out of hiding. I hope this compels you to create an account so you can review and receive a reply if I feel so inclined xD  
Love you all!

RXP


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